: Grant to Steven, after Steven apologises to Grant for unnecessarily lashing out:
Steven
"Dude I'm sorry, I’m just a little edgy at the moment. I gotta go to my sisters soon, she was 3 months and well she lost the baby, it’s been pretty tough."
Grant
"Oh that sucks man, and you just know it'll be in the last place she looks!"
FYI 5 seconds later Grant got socked right in the mouth!
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
The White Power Ranger
The "White Power" Ranger Harmless kids hero or urban folk legend for the KKK.
T.V writers really should be more careful with their wording.
The Red Power Ranger
"Oh God we are completely surrounded"
The Pink Power Ranger
"oh red ranger it seems being on the brink of extinction is what I needed to realise how much I...tear"
The Red Power Ranger
"Yes... (in anticipation)"
The Pink Power Ranger
"How much I..I lov..."
The Blue Power Ranger
"Look its the "White Power" Ranger"
The White Power Ranger
"Fear not my fellow Comrades. I the "White Power" ranger have come to protect you. No longer need you fear the evils that have come, for when we band together we are strong."
The African American Power Ranger
"Fa shizzle white rizzle"
The Pink Power Ranger
"My Hero"
10 mins of hardcore Kung Fu Acrobatics
The White Power Ranger
"Pink Ranger, darling (slightly out of breath). It seems dealing this brutal ass pounding has made me realise how much I love You"
The Pink Power Ranger
"Oh I love you too "White Power" Ranger. Your so strong and not at all naive in your ways".
The Red Power Ranger
"Fuck this is bull shit!!"
The African American Power Ranger
"Fa Shizzle my Red nizzle"
Voicemail on my mobile read missed call private number, for starters that shits me, takes the power right out of your hands doesn't it, you know someone needs to contact you but you are ultimately helpless to comply. That and the fact some random jack ass seems to believe their famous enough to make their number exclusive to the public, the whole don't call me I'll call you comes to mind and a small part of me dies inside every time it happens.
To Private numbers Australia says NO
But that's neither here nor there, soon after they called again and revealed that my secret admirer was actually my cousin. Long Time ago we used to be close but after a slight family altercation I hadn't seen any of my fathers side of the family in years. Again neither here, there or anywhere.
I had heard through the grape vine she had had her second child and reflecting on it, it was only a matter of time before I got the call. I stuttered and bumbled my way through the weak excuse of why I hadn't come to catch up and see her children but it was pretty clear that it was the result of extreme dickheadness and my involvement in that area. To her credit there was no hint of abuse and she was cheer full to extend a +1 invite to her humble establishment.
Events later that week found a detour picking up the missus, a stuffed teddy bear and I swear the biggest cheesecake I have ever seen. a few wrong turns and a slight awkwardness upon our arrival showed exactly how long it had been since I had made the trip. Dinner found the weirdness quickly disappearing and by dessert laughing and reminiscing like children as we devoured the monstrous cake which I'm sure was conceived in some form of swimming pool. Though family dinners and others of the sort always portray as some kind of chore, it was nice to see her again.
Eventually we were interrupted by the sleeping infant in the other room at which point I remembered that I had left the stuffed toy in the car. Retrieving the animal I returned to the house when suddenly I heard something that I had not heard in what had seemed to be an eternity, it was the yelling of several prehistoric creatures, one after the other.
Slowly I walked into the room amused to no end, finding my cousins first born offspring quietly watching the adventures of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I too was once age deprived and had often indulged in the viewing of the Rangers and their mightiness and was thrilled at the opportunity to do so once more. As I sat down to watch I began to notice something that I did not realise before.
Whilst enjoying the first class acting and intense storyline of it all some bad guys needed a whoopin and it was indeed Morphin time. First two guys - Red and Blue (No big deal right) white dude-white ranger (nothing suss there) , Feminine female chick - pink ranger (no surprises), token black guy- black ranger(????) Asian chick- Yellow Ranger(what??)
is it just me or does that strike anyone else as a little odd.
Bonus points for the multiculturalism of the show but was it entirely necessary to keep it like that even with their suits on? purple, gold, orange. nope we are gonna go with yellow people, I wonder if they hesitated at all.
Creator
o.k you ,your the white Ranger you uuhh blue! o.k and you two your black and yellow and you.........whats that?....huh....what do you mean do I think its a good idea to make her the yellow ranger, pull your head out of your ass and do some work will yah!I aint got time for your shit.
Perhaps un intentional, maybe overlooked or even the show existed before all that political correctness BS was around, nevertheless as I humorously accepted this new revelation it did slightly occur to me that to the right group of people it may appear to be somewhat offensive, maybe just a little.
I know its just a kids show but man if I was of oriental descent, Id be pissed ,I would so wanna Jackie Chan someones ass. Even the black ranger is pushing it in this day and age where you have to call a black board a chalk board because of the fragile ears we have developed. I suppose they could have gone all out and made the red ranger an Indian American named Running Bear or something but that would just be tasteless.
I guess it will go down as one of life's great mystery's as to how and why it even happened and Id be lying if I said I didn't find it ridiculously amusing however offensive it may be but some insight came As I shot a glance at my cousins youngling and found a slight comfort in the fact they he instead of enjoying the tasteless humour of his fellow viewer, he was merely enjoying the high tensile action that is the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
my basic overview, however controversial it may be it still is just a kids show. its quite possible its mealy the result of our politically correct minds rather than white supremacist propaganda designed to sublimely brain wash the young and the nerdy. Ive been wrong before but that's pretty much were I'm gonna stand in this important matter of congress. To those who feel the need to protest the vile injustice that is the root of there morphing powers maybe for your sanity you might want to consider the old saying of "Build a bridge and punch yourself in the fucking mouth."
For me though the hardest hurdle to get over was trying to explain to my better half why instead of joining them with the adults I was in the lounge room curled up with a teddy bear watching power rangers...the jokes that followed were both emotionally and physically crippling.... agreed not some of my best form.
Red Power Ranger
"Fuck this is bull shit!!"
African American Power Ranger
"Fa shizzle my Red nizzle"
T.V writers really should be more careful with their wording.
The Red Power Ranger
"Oh God we are completely surrounded"
The Pink Power Ranger
"oh red ranger it seems being on the brink of extinction is what I needed to realise how much I...tear"
The Red Power Ranger
"Yes... (in anticipation)"
The Pink Power Ranger
"How much I..I lov..."
The Blue Power Ranger
"Look its the "White Power" Ranger"
The White Power Ranger
"Fear not my fellow Comrades. I the "White Power" ranger have come to protect you. No longer need you fear the evils that have come, for when we band together we are strong."
The African American Power Ranger
"Fa shizzle white rizzle"
The Pink Power Ranger
"My Hero"
10 mins of hardcore Kung Fu Acrobatics
The White Power Ranger
"Pink Ranger, darling (slightly out of breath). It seems dealing this brutal ass pounding has made me realise how much I love You"
The Pink Power Ranger
"Oh I love you too "White Power" Ranger. Your so strong and not at all naive in your ways".
The Red Power Ranger
"Fuck this is bull shit!!"
The African American Power Ranger
"Fa Shizzle my Red nizzle"
Voicemail on my mobile read missed call private number, for starters that shits me, takes the power right out of your hands doesn't it, you know someone needs to contact you but you are ultimately helpless to comply. That and the fact some random jack ass seems to believe their famous enough to make their number exclusive to the public, the whole don't call me I'll call you comes to mind and a small part of me dies inside every time it happens.
To Private numbers Australia says NO
But that's neither here nor there, soon after they called again and revealed that my secret admirer was actually my cousin. Long Time ago we used to be close but after a slight family altercation I hadn't seen any of my fathers side of the family in years. Again neither here, there or anywhere.
I had heard through the grape vine she had had her second child and reflecting on it, it was only a matter of time before I got the call. I stuttered and bumbled my way through the weak excuse of why I hadn't come to catch up and see her children but it was pretty clear that it was the result of extreme dickheadness and my involvement in that area. To her credit there was no hint of abuse and she was cheer full to extend a +1 invite to her humble establishment.
Events later that week found a detour picking up the missus, a stuffed teddy bear and I swear the biggest cheesecake I have ever seen. a few wrong turns and a slight awkwardness upon our arrival showed exactly how long it had been since I had made the trip. Dinner found the weirdness quickly disappearing and by dessert laughing and reminiscing like children as we devoured the monstrous cake which I'm sure was conceived in some form of swimming pool. Though family dinners and others of the sort always portray as some kind of chore, it was nice to see her again.
Eventually we were interrupted by the sleeping infant in the other room at which point I remembered that I had left the stuffed toy in the car. Retrieving the animal I returned to the house when suddenly I heard something that I had not heard in what had seemed to be an eternity, it was the yelling of several prehistoric creatures, one after the other.
Slowly I walked into the room amused to no end, finding my cousins first born offspring quietly watching the adventures of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I too was once age deprived and had often indulged in the viewing of the Rangers and their mightiness and was thrilled at the opportunity to do so once more. As I sat down to watch I began to notice something that I did not realise before.
Whilst enjoying the first class acting and intense storyline of it all some bad guys needed a whoopin and it was indeed Morphin time. First two guys - Red and Blue (No big deal right) white dude-white ranger (nothing suss there) , Feminine female chick - pink ranger (no surprises), token black guy- black ranger(????) Asian chick- Yellow Ranger(what??)
is it just me or does that strike anyone else as a little odd.
Bonus points for the multiculturalism of the show but was it entirely necessary to keep it like that even with their suits on? purple, gold, orange. nope we are gonna go with yellow people, I wonder if they hesitated at all.
Creator
o.k you ,your the white Ranger you uuhh blue! o.k and you two your black and yellow and you.........whats that?....huh....what do you mean do I think its a good idea to make her the yellow ranger, pull your head out of your ass and do some work will yah!I aint got time for your shit.
Perhaps un intentional, maybe overlooked or even the show existed before all that political correctness BS was around, nevertheless as I humorously accepted this new revelation it did slightly occur to me that to the right group of people it may appear to be somewhat offensive, maybe just a little.
I know its just a kids show but man if I was of oriental descent, Id be pissed ,I would so wanna Jackie Chan someones ass. Even the black ranger is pushing it in this day and age where you have to call a black board a chalk board because of the fragile ears we have developed. I suppose they could have gone all out and made the red ranger an Indian American named Running Bear or something but that would just be tasteless.
I guess it will go down as one of life's great mystery's as to how and why it even happened and Id be lying if I said I didn't find it ridiculously amusing however offensive it may be but some insight came As I shot a glance at my cousins youngling and found a slight comfort in the fact they he instead of enjoying the tasteless humour of his fellow viewer, he was merely enjoying the high tensile action that is the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
my basic overview, however controversial it may be it still is just a kids show. its quite possible its mealy the result of our politically correct minds rather than white supremacist propaganda designed to sublimely brain wash the young and the nerdy. Ive been wrong before but that's pretty much were I'm gonna stand in this important matter of congress. To those who feel the need to protest the vile injustice that is the root of there morphing powers maybe for your sanity you might want to consider the old saying of "Build a bridge and punch yourself in the fucking mouth."
For me though the hardest hurdle to get over was trying to explain to my better half why instead of joining them with the adults I was in the lounge room curled up with a teddy bear watching power rangers...the jokes that followed were both emotionally and physically crippling.... agreed not some of my best form.
Red Power Ranger
"Fuck this is bull shit!!"
African American Power Ranger
"Fa shizzle my Red nizzle"
Friday, August 3, 2007
You ever get the feeling God doesnt like you?
Normally I try to shy away from this particular type of post and even talking about it at all really, the way I see it there is not a living breathing soul that has not been let down, broken or had there heart stomped on and though there is comfort found in the consolidation in others, in the end the more you talk about it the longer the situation lingers and the angrier you get... However having encountered such an astonishing sight recently, I couldn't help but write about it.
It starts with yours truly once again finding myself ducking and weaving the consequences of what seems to be my previous life. Stubbornly remaining in a place where integrity is disintegrated by a few well placed lies, watching in utter dis belief and disgust as situations and the people involved are manipulated right before my very eyes over and over again.
Completely defeated by an opponent much more skilled then I in the ways of deception and dishonesty. learning with every new day that the guilty need only cry on the stand for false validation. Justice it would seem is only for those who would play the game.
I quicken my pace to the door watched by those who know but Ignore to keep peace whilst the ignorant judge from behind a smile and out stretched hand. no sourer taste is left in ones mouth than being crushed for holding ones end of the deal and no feeling harder to control than that of vengeance.
Being some what of a God fearing man or at the very least aware of his existence I began to way up the situation and question its importance. Was it all part of a plan, some Divine intervention shit or was it all just a major fuck up. Is there some lesson to be learnt here or had even the almighty bought into the Bull shit advertised. As theory's of insight came and went an argument within myself forged resulting in asking nay demanding for a sign an update if you will, of Gods current status in it all.
With that, in that very moment the sky began to move, slowly at first but then began to merge in a circular motion not knowing what to make of it all I reached for a my camera and began snapping away, content in the fact that my answer was indeed at hand. shapes and curves forming and disappearing moulding a message, my message, my Revelation of reason and insight of events to come displayed boldly in the sky. at last the higher powers had intervened.
No words can describe the horrifying numbness felt when in one single, biblical moment all that has occurred finally made sense.
(sigh) well that definitely makes a lot of sense.
It starts with yours truly once again finding myself ducking and weaving the consequences of what seems to be my previous life. Stubbornly remaining in a place where integrity is disintegrated by a few well placed lies, watching in utter dis belief and disgust as situations and the people involved are manipulated right before my very eyes over and over again.
Completely defeated by an opponent much more skilled then I in the ways of deception and dishonesty. learning with every new day that the guilty need only cry on the stand for false validation. Justice it would seem is only for those who would play the game.
I quicken my pace to the door watched by those who know but Ignore to keep peace whilst the ignorant judge from behind a smile and out stretched hand. no sourer taste is left in ones mouth than being crushed for holding ones end of the deal and no feeling harder to control than that of vengeance.
Being some what of a God fearing man or at the very least aware of his existence I began to way up the situation and question its importance. Was it all part of a plan, some Divine intervention shit or was it all just a major fuck up. Is there some lesson to be learnt here or had even the almighty bought into the Bull shit advertised. As theory's of insight came and went an argument within myself forged resulting in asking nay demanding for a sign an update if you will, of Gods current status in it all.
With that, in that very moment the sky began to move, slowly at first but then began to merge in a circular motion not knowing what to make of it all I reached for a my camera and began snapping away, content in the fact that my answer was indeed at hand. shapes and curves forming and disappearing moulding a message, my message, my Revelation of reason and insight of events to come displayed boldly in the sky. at last the higher powers had intervened.
No words can describe the horrifying numbness felt when in one single, biblical moment all that has occurred finally made sense.
(sigh) well that definitely makes a lot of sense.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Thems the Rules
There are a few traditions in my circle of friends, last to be blind pays for the taxi, all new members are to be taunted and ridiculed with out compassion, sexual or racial consent for two weeks and of course NO tag backs off a double play at anytime EVER!!!
But no greater commandment given unto us than thou shalt not mingle with thine other gender on thow Thursday night... for Thursday was poker night. Beer, cigars, gambling, boob talk the whole kitten kaboodle at least for the guys that is. We have never really known what the girls get up to, we can only assume the obvious that their nights consist of intense political and sociological tea party's and high action pillow fighting in there underwear. Although we have no evidence of this all signs of common sense and relative thinking point to no other possible conclusion.
Whatever the case come Thursday we split, all contacts with the opposite sex are to be crushed up , mixed with a combination of fruit, yogurt, milk and ice cream, Blended into a delicious tropical smoothie and disposed of accordingly! no buts, thems the rules
Now these nights are held in random locations thus to prevent any assault from the enemy, kind of a default setting to the protection of our rights as men. Each of us sworn to secrecy under penalty of kitchen wench detail, one night in particular was held at kev's house, now we normally kick of at 9:00 so as 9:15 rolled along and the chips and cards had not been dealt some of the guys seemed to be getting a little rowdy I on the other hand was not really paying attention for I have spent the better half of our guy nights trying to seduce Kev into at least experimenting with cigars. The guy’s a former athlete so he's all your body is a temple and quite stubborn in the matter I might add and so over the time that I’ve known him its become a personnel goal for some of us to save Kev from being such a bitch.
So as I was subtly Suggesting to Kev that perhaps he might feel a little more comfortable at the girls softcore tea party nights the phone rang to which Kev answered but not before subtly back handing me upside the back of the head. So who was that? to which he answered "the wife". Silence struck the room with all the cautiousness of a marching band. w..w..why would she be calling? a question to which the answer I must admit I knew, I think in a way we all knew. I think all men know when the moment make itself known.
Kev turned his head and struck a pose in a true days of our lives fashion, one eyebrow cocked. "because their coming!"… camera zooms in on his face! then zooms out from a close up of us! then zooms back in on Kevs face and holds for about three seconds to long, annnnd cut! end scene, go to commercial.
us
but....but its Thursday and the rules! what about the rules man, did you even think about the rules! I don’t think your thinking about the rules!
kev
I know about the rules o.k, I was there when they were forged.
us
This cannot happen
kev
well you do something then, I ain't sleeping on the couch tonight
me
Bitch, smoke the dam cigar!!
I am no coward but there was wisdom in his words, for we all knew the repercussions of standing in between these girls and there intentions. As strong a man as you may think you are, you do not want to unleash this upon your world! no sir these girls do not play by the general rules of engagement hair pulling, slapping, biting, scratching are all part of the repertoire, they may look pretty and petite but make no mistake there will be no hesitation as to removing your head from your shoulders
As the numerous theories and ideas of how to stop this from happening were being forwarded the sound of cars pulling up had the same impact as that of gun shots and with giggles and screams burst through the door to find us stunned like squirrels in the high beam hypnotised by the beauty yet slightly aware of the events to come, however it didn't stop us from attempting to act casual and play it cool.
me
hey yah guys fancy seeing you here?
Angela
oh I know we just decided it might be fun to play poker with you guys tonight
me
oh yeah that would be fun wouldn't it guys mmhhmm but you see we don't have enough chips and we'd be here all night with this many people, its a shame its a.. a dam shame.
Angela
What’s the matter baby gotta be home to mommy before bedtime or you just to scared to lose to girls.
me
yes mummy will be very upset but its Thursday and we have rules, all of us do and who are we to break them. It…it just wouldn't be lawful besides its poker
Angela
what the hell are you babbling about? I know the rules, wait what do you mean its poker are you trying to say woman are.....blah blah blah........you jerk ......blah blah.......sexist pig....Blah.... i can be twice the man you are......Blah......why don't you go fu...
me
I'm out
and with that I retreated to the fridge to drink my stupidity away and think about what I'd done. all eyes shot to Kev he was not prepared and obviously disturbed by being in the whole situation.
Kev
Baby I love you but how would you like it if we invited ourselves to whatever you girls were doing on a Thursday. you wouldn't like it
Angela
of course we wouldn't mind kevin don't be ridiculous
evidently kicking down their door in our underwear, pillows blazing is now a perfectly acceptable practice knock.....knock.....knock hey girls we just decided it would be fun.
At the risk of boring you I wont continue to describe every conversation from that night but I Will say we yelled, we laughed and we cried, there was a cheeky leprechaun and Kev never tried the cigar.
Needless to say the girls got there way guys night was cancelled and we ended up going out instead. All in all it wasn't a bad night, it never really is. They never told us why they decided to reign upon our guys night and our manhood but I guess the lesson I learnt is guys care much more about guys night then girls care about girls night or girls care about guys night or girls care about basically anything we got going on.
Not sure why but I'm a male so I guess I'm not suppose to know. There were plans for revenge but by the next week we lacked motivation although due to increasing paranoia and the very possibility that it could happen again security has kicked up a notch. all poker nights are held in a cave behind a book case, down the poles in between the batmobile and the big ass t.v screen
But no greater commandment given unto us than thou shalt not mingle with thine other gender on thow Thursday night... for Thursday was poker night. Beer, cigars, gambling, boob talk the whole kitten kaboodle at least for the guys that is. We have never really known what the girls get up to, we can only assume the obvious that their nights consist of intense political and sociological tea party's and high action pillow fighting in there underwear. Although we have no evidence of this all signs of common sense and relative thinking point to no other possible conclusion.
Whatever the case come Thursday we split, all contacts with the opposite sex are to be crushed up , mixed with a combination of fruit, yogurt, milk and ice cream, Blended into a delicious tropical smoothie and disposed of accordingly! no buts, thems the rules
Now these nights are held in random locations thus to prevent any assault from the enemy, kind of a default setting to the protection of our rights as men. Each of us sworn to secrecy under penalty of kitchen wench detail, one night in particular was held at kev's house, now we normally kick of at 9:00 so as 9:15 rolled along and the chips and cards had not been dealt some of the guys seemed to be getting a little rowdy I on the other hand was not really paying attention for I have spent the better half of our guy nights trying to seduce Kev into at least experimenting with cigars. The guy’s a former athlete so he's all your body is a temple and quite stubborn in the matter I might add and so over the time that I’ve known him its become a personnel goal for some of us to save Kev from being such a bitch.
So as I was subtly Suggesting to Kev that perhaps he might feel a little more comfortable at the girls softcore tea party nights the phone rang to which Kev answered but not before subtly back handing me upside the back of the head. So who was that? to which he answered "the wife". Silence struck the room with all the cautiousness of a marching band. w..w..why would she be calling? a question to which the answer I must admit I knew, I think in a way we all knew. I think all men know when the moment make itself known.
Kev turned his head and struck a pose in a true days of our lives fashion, one eyebrow cocked. "because their coming!"… camera zooms in on his face! then zooms out from a close up of us! then zooms back in on Kevs face and holds for about three seconds to long, annnnd cut! end scene, go to commercial.
us
but....but its Thursday and the rules! what about the rules man, did you even think about the rules! I don’t think your thinking about the rules!
kev
I know about the rules o.k, I was there when they were forged.
us
This cannot happen
kev
well you do something then, I ain't sleeping on the couch tonight
me
Bitch, smoke the dam cigar!!
I am no coward but there was wisdom in his words, for we all knew the repercussions of standing in between these girls and there intentions. As strong a man as you may think you are, you do not want to unleash this upon your world! no sir these girls do not play by the general rules of engagement hair pulling, slapping, biting, scratching are all part of the repertoire, they may look pretty and petite but make no mistake there will be no hesitation as to removing your head from your shoulders
As the numerous theories and ideas of how to stop this from happening were being forwarded the sound of cars pulling up had the same impact as that of gun shots and with giggles and screams burst through the door to find us stunned like squirrels in the high beam hypnotised by the beauty yet slightly aware of the events to come, however it didn't stop us from attempting to act casual and play it cool.
me
hey yah guys fancy seeing you here?
Angela
oh I know we just decided it might be fun to play poker with you guys tonight
me
oh yeah that would be fun wouldn't it guys mmhhmm but you see we don't have enough chips and we'd be here all night with this many people, its a shame its a.. a dam shame.
Angela
What’s the matter baby gotta be home to mommy before bedtime or you just to scared to lose to girls.
me
yes mummy will be very upset but its Thursday and we have rules, all of us do and who are we to break them. It…it just wouldn't be lawful besides its poker
Angela
what the hell are you babbling about? I know the rules, wait what do you mean its poker are you trying to say woman are.....blah blah blah........you jerk ......blah blah.......sexist pig....Blah.... i can be twice the man you are......Blah......why don't you go fu...
me
I'm out
and with that I retreated to the fridge to drink my stupidity away and think about what I'd done. all eyes shot to Kev he was not prepared and obviously disturbed by being in the whole situation.
Kev
Baby I love you but how would you like it if we invited ourselves to whatever you girls were doing on a Thursday. you wouldn't like it
Angela
of course we wouldn't mind kevin don't be ridiculous
evidently kicking down their door in our underwear, pillows blazing is now a perfectly acceptable practice knock.....knock.....knock hey girls we just decided it would be fun.
At the risk of boring you I wont continue to describe every conversation from that night but I Will say we yelled, we laughed and we cried, there was a cheeky leprechaun and Kev never tried the cigar.
Needless to say the girls got there way guys night was cancelled and we ended up going out instead. All in all it wasn't a bad night, it never really is. They never told us why they decided to reign upon our guys night and our manhood but I guess the lesson I learnt is guys care much more about guys night then girls care about girls night or girls care about guys night or girls care about basically anything we got going on.
Not sure why but I'm a male so I guess I'm not suppose to know. There were plans for revenge but by the next week we lacked motivation although due to increasing paranoia and the very possibility that it could happen again security has kicked up a notch. all poker nights are held in a cave behind a book case, down the poles in between the batmobile and the big ass t.v screen
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
the enviro what?
It isn't often that I leave a conversation feeling as if all occupants would have been better off had I just been smart enough to point to an obvious distraction and do the bunny, leaving the assailant and my dignity in a binding state of confusion and disbelief.
Just as Jesus said "be the bigger man, leg it for the greater good".
Lately in between work hours ive found myself enjoying the scenery of Hyde park followed by a stroll through Martin place. At the risk of sounding a little new age I somehow find it relaxing, not sensual or anything weird like that but as far as stress relief from earning another dollar for the man a stroll around the city always comes up trumps. That is, right up until you reach the Villa. aah the Villa, where would we be without you?
The Villa is what some of us like to call that little section in the middle of the main courtyard where every foundation known on God's green earth congregates together in order to trap unexpected prey into signing away whatever money can be scrounged up. On a good day there may only be 1 or 2 in which if your quick and avoid all forms of eye contact you may just make it to your lunch appointment. however on the big days its all systems go, booths lined up like the cavalry. Forcing patrons into an un avoidable bottle neck, herding us like sheep dogs into our gate to face certain guilt and time deprivation. There can be no escape.
After my scheduled hike through Sydney's best I hit the villa at a fairly hesitant pace, being on the brink of a long weekend the thought had crossed my mind of the danger ahead, however being somewhat of a lazy nature I decided against the detour and headed straight for it. MISTAKE. I was immediately drawn to the error of my ways as I followed the crowd into the red zone to find the Villa in full flight. a terrified shriek "Oh Dear God No" from the left of the crowd sent us Turning back in desperation for an escape but it was to late, the damage was done, we never had a chance.
Maneuvering my way in and out of the civilian traffic I found myself completely surrounded with no where to hide. To the left Drug awareness for kids. To the right, Kids off the street. Behind me, aids off the kids and Up ahead, Helping Aids of the streets through cancer, drugs and other Kid related practices.
Now joined by what was left of the panic stricken crowd, common courtesy and street etiquette went flying out the window. Charlie had the drop on us and it was every man, woman and child for themselves. Side stepping my way through the chaos, a faint sign of light began to appear to the rear of the pack. Darting directly for it, I was stopped in my tracks by a seemingly familiar voice.
"Oh hey man"
Naturally I stopped to greet who I could only presume to be a long lost relative or childhood friend with whom contact was at some point lost in the translation. So I turned only to see a man in which I had absolutely no recollection of standing tall in a green sports shirt holding a clipboard in one hand and my gullibility in the other. Oh you sneaky son of a bitch. got me with the old meet and greet, bastard.
"you got a couple of minutes to talk about the environment"
"well actually man I gotta take off i have to..."
"you know us humans have really done a number on this earth"
"yeah your right were all assholes, look I'm real sorry but i have to..."
"did you know that...
The next 10 mins consisted of an un interuptable speech on global warming, pollution, the weather changes and all sorts of fun facts about how the environment is gonna hand our asses to us. To which I smiled and nodded away, filling in the occasional "really" and "oh thats crazy".
"so you see if we don't stop it now were gonna lose this earth man"
"We??... as in you and me??"
"yes us man we can all do our part you do your part so we can do ours"
"uh huh and my part would be...?"
"just donate whatever you can or sign up for weekly payments so we can save this world"
"fair enough, but I'm not really big on signing contracts on the street and to be honest um I'm not real sure about the whole, you know how this should concern uh me.."
"what!? dude in say the next 100 years the ozone layer could be completely gone if we don't stop this"
"But wont I be dead by then"
"well I guess"
"so isn't that like my great grand kids problem"
He stopped and stared right at me almost paralyzed with disgust. Eyes burning with passionate anger. I was kinda surprised that he didn't take a shot at me with his clipboard from the look on his face. I mean he was pissed
"you know what its cause of jerks like you that we are all in this mess. go on piss off and wait for the storm then we'll see, then what are you gonna do."
"sorry dude I just don't think that..."
"Yeah I know what you think. you think that putting your can in the recycling is your contribution! well good on you! thanks for the aluminium now the rest of us are trying to keep this earth going"
"but.."
" just get lost I have no time for people like you. Go! do nothing! and hope we fix the problem. then you'll see"
I began to back peddle away slowly, feeling a little embarrassed about being served by Green peace. Now that man right there, he really loves his earth, how harsh was that.
He did however get me thinking, eventually somethings gotta give right? at some point the universe is gonna get fed up with our shit and retaliate and there can be no doubt that when mother nature and father time finally do have it out in the ultimate free for all cage match, the battle will be nothing short of spectacular.
I can only imagine the intensity as mother nature leaps from the top cage onto a seemingly un conscious big daddy time for the clincher only to find the patented and all but expected switch involving a sudden, super human burst of energy and the likes of a folding chair sending mother nature out of the cage and into the waiting glove of a hope filled youngster... going going gone...and she is outer here. Unfortunately good old father time is crippled with age by shear definition and suffers a stroke from all the excitement. fancy that, nobody wins...we all lose.
Be that as it may I still find myself reluctant to give a shit. Its not like I don't wanna care, I just don't and the very idea that I was not concerned about a situation as big as this left me in quite an uncomfortable mind set, I was actually a little disappointed in myself, is that even possible, apparently so, Dam Villa.
I guess from my perspective I just can't. Aside from living in the present where technology and ignorance run rampid, honestly for all that Hippies work on the street it isn't doing anything other than what is already being done. We have had the technology to use ulterior fuels for sometime but have been kept at bay by greedy oil companies and as far as I know Australia signed that Minimum pollution agreement last year so what do you want from little old me? The ozone isn't gonna repair itself and even if we could stop all pollution who would want to? O.k kids, big news! your mother and I have decided to move into a cave, ride horses to work (that one actually doesn't seem so bad), use no chemicals and live of our own kill? a beautiful dream but I have a feeling people like being comfortable and would sooner make sweet sweet love to the very clouds of pollution destroying our atmosphere than spend another day without Transportation, beauty products and TiVo.
However say there is an answer. Say there is something we have missed, the answer to our environmental issues who's to say our good friends in North Korea wont get ansi and send a nuke our way, who is gonna think twice about the environment then? you?? I think not, the only thing on your mind will be payback school boy style and you know it. there is a lot of big boys with a lot of big toys out there, I think us humans are perfectly capable of destroying our earth without any help from nature thank you very much.
This message of hope was brought to you by the letter L
In the end whether the environment decides to kick some ass or we end up blowing the hell out of each other there really isn't much say I have in the matter so why am I such a jerk for not caring? especially seems I probably wont be around to see it or will be to old to care about it any more than I already do. So Ke Sara Sara my seal cleaning friend, go have yourself a coke and a smile.
If it makes you feel any better I will spare a thought for the crying Indian but as far as my care factor level goes, sorry champ I'm all about the now.
Just as Jesus said "be the bigger man, leg it for the greater good".
Lately in between work hours ive found myself enjoying the scenery of Hyde park followed by a stroll through Martin place. At the risk of sounding a little new age I somehow find it relaxing, not sensual or anything weird like that but as far as stress relief from earning another dollar for the man a stroll around the city always comes up trumps. That is, right up until you reach the Villa. aah the Villa, where would we be without you?
The Villa is what some of us like to call that little section in the middle of the main courtyard where every foundation known on God's green earth congregates together in order to trap unexpected prey into signing away whatever money can be scrounged up. On a good day there may only be 1 or 2 in which if your quick and avoid all forms of eye contact you may just make it to your lunch appointment. however on the big days its all systems go, booths lined up like the cavalry. Forcing patrons into an un avoidable bottle neck, herding us like sheep dogs into our gate to face certain guilt and time deprivation. There can be no escape.
After my scheduled hike through Sydney's best I hit the villa at a fairly hesitant pace, being on the brink of a long weekend the thought had crossed my mind of the danger ahead, however being somewhat of a lazy nature I decided against the detour and headed straight for it. MISTAKE. I was immediately drawn to the error of my ways as I followed the crowd into the red zone to find the Villa in full flight. a terrified shriek "Oh Dear God No" from the left of the crowd sent us Turning back in desperation for an escape but it was to late, the damage was done, we never had a chance.
Maneuvering my way in and out of the civilian traffic I found myself completely surrounded with no where to hide. To the left Drug awareness for kids. To the right, Kids off the street. Behind me, aids off the kids and Up ahead, Helping Aids of the streets through cancer, drugs and other Kid related practices.
Now joined by what was left of the panic stricken crowd, common courtesy and street etiquette went flying out the window. Charlie had the drop on us and it was every man, woman and child for themselves. Side stepping my way through the chaos, a faint sign of light began to appear to the rear of the pack. Darting directly for it, I was stopped in my tracks by a seemingly familiar voice.
"Oh hey man"
Naturally I stopped to greet who I could only presume to be a long lost relative or childhood friend with whom contact was at some point lost in the translation. So I turned only to see a man in which I had absolutely no recollection of standing tall in a green sports shirt holding a clipboard in one hand and my gullibility in the other. Oh you sneaky son of a bitch. got me with the old meet and greet, bastard.
"you got a couple of minutes to talk about the environment"
"well actually man I gotta take off i have to..."
"you know us humans have really done a number on this earth"
"yeah your right were all assholes, look I'm real sorry but i have to..."
"did you know that...
The next 10 mins consisted of an un interuptable speech on global warming, pollution, the weather changes and all sorts of fun facts about how the environment is gonna hand our asses to us. To which I smiled and nodded away, filling in the occasional "really" and "oh thats crazy".
"so you see if we don't stop it now were gonna lose this earth man"
"We??... as in you and me??"
"yes us man we can all do our part you do your part so we can do ours"
"uh huh and my part would be...?"
"just donate whatever you can or sign up for weekly payments so we can save this world"
"fair enough, but I'm not really big on signing contracts on the street and to be honest um I'm not real sure about the whole, you know how this should concern uh me.."
"what!? dude in say the next 100 years the ozone layer could be completely gone if we don't stop this"
"But wont I be dead by then"
"well I guess"
"so isn't that like my great grand kids problem"
He stopped and stared right at me almost paralyzed with disgust. Eyes burning with passionate anger. I was kinda surprised that he didn't take a shot at me with his clipboard from the look on his face. I mean he was pissed
"you know what its cause of jerks like you that we are all in this mess. go on piss off and wait for the storm then we'll see, then what are you gonna do."
"sorry dude I just don't think that..."
"Yeah I know what you think. you think that putting your can in the recycling is your contribution! well good on you! thanks for the aluminium now the rest of us are trying to keep this earth going"
"but.."
" just get lost I have no time for people like you. Go! do nothing! and hope we fix the problem. then you'll see"
I began to back peddle away slowly, feeling a little embarrassed about being served by Green peace. Now that man right there, he really loves his earth, how harsh was that.
He did however get me thinking, eventually somethings gotta give right? at some point the universe is gonna get fed up with our shit and retaliate and there can be no doubt that when mother nature and father time finally do have it out in the ultimate free for all cage match, the battle will be nothing short of spectacular.
I can only imagine the intensity as mother nature leaps from the top cage onto a seemingly un conscious big daddy time for the clincher only to find the patented and all but expected switch involving a sudden, super human burst of energy and the likes of a folding chair sending mother nature out of the cage and into the waiting glove of a hope filled youngster... going going gone...and she is outer here. Unfortunately good old father time is crippled with age by shear definition and suffers a stroke from all the excitement. fancy that, nobody wins...we all lose.
Be that as it may I still find myself reluctant to give a shit. Its not like I don't wanna care, I just don't and the very idea that I was not concerned about a situation as big as this left me in quite an uncomfortable mind set, I was actually a little disappointed in myself, is that even possible, apparently so, Dam Villa.
I guess from my perspective I just can't. Aside from living in the present where technology and ignorance run rampid, honestly for all that Hippies work on the street it isn't doing anything other than what is already being done. We have had the technology to use ulterior fuels for sometime but have been kept at bay by greedy oil companies and as far as I know Australia signed that Minimum pollution agreement last year so what do you want from little old me? The ozone isn't gonna repair itself and even if we could stop all pollution who would want to? O.k kids, big news! your mother and I have decided to move into a cave, ride horses to work (that one actually doesn't seem so bad), use no chemicals and live of our own kill? a beautiful dream but I have a feeling people like being comfortable and would sooner make sweet sweet love to the very clouds of pollution destroying our atmosphere than spend another day without Transportation, beauty products and TiVo.
However say there is an answer. Say there is something we have missed, the answer to our environmental issues who's to say our good friends in North Korea wont get ansi and send a nuke our way, who is gonna think twice about the environment then? you?? I think not, the only thing on your mind will be payback school boy style and you know it. there is a lot of big boys with a lot of big toys out there, I think us humans are perfectly capable of destroying our earth without any help from nature thank you very much.
This message of hope was brought to you by the letter L
In the end whether the environment decides to kick some ass or we end up blowing the hell out of each other there really isn't much say I have in the matter so why am I such a jerk for not caring? especially seems I probably wont be around to see it or will be to old to care about it any more than I already do. So Ke Sara Sara my seal cleaning friend, go have yourself a coke and a smile.
If it makes you feel any better I will spare a thought for the crying Indian but as far as my care factor level goes, sorry champ I'm all about the now.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Harsh Justice
I have found that sometimes in life you have to bend over and take the big one right up the old humble maker. A harsh reality to grasp and believe me i fought it down to the wire but in the end the whole not being a kid anymore and the expectation to act as such comes into play and all hope is apparently lost. This was a very hard concept for me to accept.
For as long as I can remember I have had this on going persistence to stand for what is right. of course what that means is to stand for what in my opinion is right and to be as stubborn and passionate about it as humanly possible, so much so that it far surpasses what is socially and relationally acceptable. never the less no matter what the circumstance or outcome you stand your ground and fight the good fight.
Pride is a funny thing
Growing up where I live was far from your classic ghetto scenario though trouble has a way of finding you when this particular program is written into your mainframe, something about the short kid with the big mouth attracted a beat down from time to time but in the mind of my 14 year old self a black eye was a small price to pay when I knew I was right. some macho bullshit right, classic case of male ego. I couldn't agree more but when your young you only know what you have been told and so you can only live from that of which you have been taught.
Still I remember the sense of justice and satisfaction from upsizeing someones head after trying to steal your girl or your candy. Recent studies have shown that primal instincts will always take over when there is a woman or sugar involved, that shit is serious.
Evidently as you get older and a little more wiser your duelling gloves are often retired and the need to throw an opponent down the gauntlet is kept at bay by words of a diminutive and degrading nature, harsh staring contests, relentless gossiping and rumour spreading until the target develops an eating disorder. you might say that mentally 15 year boys eventually mature into 15 year old girls.
on the other hand old habits are hard to kick.
I love music and I have a tendency when driving from A to B to crank it which leads to an extravagant display of semi retarded body movement in the form of air drums and/or air guitar. In my time on this earth I have noticed that When the music is your guide you lose all sense of what is hot and what is not.
Upon having one of my patented musical exorcisms a glance to my right revealed an eshay and his girlfriend pointing, laughing and being merry.Those un familiar with the term eshay, eshlad or esh anything I will enlighten your world.
A severe group of wannabe hard nuts that have infected the regions of Sydney's west. Age starting from as low as 14 they are easily spotted by not only there lidless eyes from all the pills they swallow to get down and boogie but from the ridiculous dress code: a white cap tipped so far up it would make a Rabbi jealous, followed by a striped to the side polo shirt with short tennis shorts and a wide range of coloured runners, which is multi seasonal I might add even in the middle of winter there is no change in stylist, gotta hand it to them on the commitment if nothing else. at any random time after 10:00pm packs of 11 to 12 of them roam the streets mugging and bashing people just like they see the cool people that they follow around do. You know the type mid thirty's still roaming the streets and hitting up high school party's because their tough, broke as hell with no future, but tough.
un doubtably you may have noticed that to begin with i was not a big fan but in their defence i would've looked like a dick so I smiled pointed to the sky with my one good finger and continued on my musical journey. to my surprise this did not go down well and the next 10 mins consisted of a fun filled adventure of tail gating, high beam flashing and excessive swearing. From what I could see of his white cap barely reaching over the steering wheel the little punk appeared to be enjoying himself.
I was but a couple of streets from my house and it seemed that my little eshay friend was having to good a time to move on with his life. I decided to pull the car over before reaching my house for I didn't particularly want this kid coming back to by place of residence, didn't think it was such a great idea. Denying my expectations of him yelling some more and driving off he decided to do a very silly thing. he pulled in behind me and got out of his car and charged straight at mine very tough indeed
but in doing so he also revealed his height, age and lack there of, at an educated guess he looked no older than fifteen but bearing green P plates meant that he was at least 18. go figure
I decided to not let my automobile of preference burden the fury of Daycare Edition Eshlad and stepped from my car to see what the dealio was (for the jury it should be noted I was a little mad at Mr tennis shorts by now ) fists clenched and in his best big boy voice little man changed his course of direction and headed straight for me. It would be a blatant lie if I said I expected any less, though I was noticeably older and slightly bigger than he was I am far from the definition of built and was well aware that I am about as intimidating as a stoned puppy on valentines day.
I can think now of all the cool things one can say in this situation "don't make me angry you wouldn't like me when I'm angry " or even " do you feel lucky Esh" but no body really says or even thinks these things but in hind sight dam it would've been sweet.
As he got closer I realised the kids already played this out in his head and in front of a mirror a thousand times since he was five and that the inevitable was going to happen.
The temptation to over dramatise the story into a 70's batman episode of BAM!!!!ZIP!!!!!KAPOWIE!!! in which a 15 second stint of me doing the swim over an unconscious felon is always on the cards daaaaa...nanna nanna nanna nanna nanna nanna nanna nanna.
but no fraid not. He went down and my turn came to give him a righteous verbal serving of my own. but alas a "How do you like me now bitch" was nowhere to be found not even a "stay in school" nothing I froze. his eye's began to glaze and that high pitched squeak of a voice was silent. Case closed, a job well done only there was something missing. Where was the satisfaction? where was the justification of my previous self? gone like Britney Spear's innocence. it was a strange and new sensation for me and in all honesty I felt about the same gratification as if I had just punted a midget square in the crutch... which after much soul searching still remains surprisingly appealing.
I attempted a shrug of the shoulders apologised to the girl in his car and left completely dumbfounded by the change of emotions.A mass pondering session with a few friends of mine led only to give the conclusion that this must be how Spiderman and co feel. often a session of Spiderman or Superman left me quite frustrated due to the fact that Peter Parker could totally kick the crap out of that asshole giving him lip, your fricken Spiderman you don't need to play that crap identity or not that guys gotta go down. slightly over dramatic I know.
Fast forward to the present, an ongoing current situation has brought me much frustration and to make a long story short I am required to do something that goes against everything I'm used to. but I cant help but Imagine that if I follow tradition things will get much much worse.
To get a little serious on yo ass sometimes I feel that maybe as you get older shit that seemed to be such a big deal once doesn't seem to matter to you as much anymore. I was and will always be a proud cocky prick but sometimes maybe you gotta just suck it up for the sake of someone else.
I guess this means I have to get rid of my cape
For as long as I can remember I have had this on going persistence to stand for what is right. of course what that means is to stand for what in my opinion is right and to be as stubborn and passionate about it as humanly possible, so much so that it far surpasses what is socially and relationally acceptable. never the less no matter what the circumstance or outcome you stand your ground and fight the good fight.
Pride is a funny thing
Growing up where I live was far from your classic ghetto scenario though trouble has a way of finding you when this particular program is written into your mainframe, something about the short kid with the big mouth attracted a beat down from time to time but in the mind of my 14 year old self a black eye was a small price to pay when I knew I was right. some macho bullshit right, classic case of male ego. I couldn't agree more but when your young you only know what you have been told and so you can only live from that of which you have been taught.
Still I remember the sense of justice and satisfaction from upsizeing someones head after trying to steal your girl or your candy. Recent studies have shown that primal instincts will always take over when there is a woman or sugar involved, that shit is serious.
Evidently as you get older and a little more wiser your duelling gloves are often retired and the need to throw an opponent down the gauntlet is kept at bay by words of a diminutive and degrading nature, harsh staring contests, relentless gossiping and rumour spreading until the target develops an eating disorder. you might say that mentally 15 year boys eventually mature into 15 year old girls.
on the other hand old habits are hard to kick.
I love music and I have a tendency when driving from A to B to crank it which leads to an extravagant display of semi retarded body movement in the form of air drums and/or air guitar. In my time on this earth I have noticed that When the music is your guide you lose all sense of what is hot and what is not.
Upon having one of my patented musical exorcisms a glance to my right revealed an eshay and his girlfriend pointing, laughing and being merry.Those un familiar with the term eshay, eshlad or esh anything I will enlighten your world.
A severe group of wannabe hard nuts that have infected the regions of Sydney's west. Age starting from as low as 14 they are easily spotted by not only there lidless eyes from all the pills they swallow to get down and boogie but from the ridiculous dress code: a white cap tipped so far up it would make a Rabbi jealous, followed by a striped to the side polo shirt with short tennis shorts and a wide range of coloured runners, which is multi seasonal I might add even in the middle of winter there is no change in stylist, gotta hand it to them on the commitment if nothing else. at any random time after 10:00pm packs of 11 to 12 of them roam the streets mugging and bashing people just like they see the cool people that they follow around do. You know the type mid thirty's still roaming the streets and hitting up high school party's because their tough, broke as hell with no future, but tough.
un doubtably you may have noticed that to begin with i was not a big fan but in their defence i would've looked like a dick so I smiled pointed to the sky with my one good finger and continued on my musical journey. to my surprise this did not go down well and the next 10 mins consisted of a fun filled adventure of tail gating, high beam flashing and excessive swearing. From what I could see of his white cap barely reaching over the steering wheel the little punk appeared to be enjoying himself.
I was but a couple of streets from my house and it seemed that my little eshay friend was having to good a time to move on with his life. I decided to pull the car over before reaching my house for I didn't particularly want this kid coming back to by place of residence, didn't think it was such a great idea. Denying my expectations of him yelling some more and driving off he decided to do a very silly thing. he pulled in behind me and got out of his car and charged straight at mine very tough indeed
but in doing so he also revealed his height, age and lack there of, at an educated guess he looked no older than fifteen but bearing green P plates meant that he was at least 18. go figure
I decided to not let my automobile of preference burden the fury of Daycare Edition Eshlad and stepped from my car to see what the dealio was (for the jury it should be noted I was a little mad at Mr tennis shorts by now ) fists clenched and in his best big boy voice little man changed his course of direction and headed straight for me. It would be a blatant lie if I said I expected any less, though I was noticeably older and slightly bigger than he was I am far from the definition of built and was well aware that I am about as intimidating as a stoned puppy on valentines day.
I can think now of all the cool things one can say in this situation "don't make me angry you wouldn't like me when I'm angry " or even " do you feel lucky Esh" but no body really says or even thinks these things but in hind sight dam it would've been sweet.
As he got closer I realised the kids already played this out in his head and in front of a mirror a thousand times since he was five and that the inevitable was going to happen.
The temptation to over dramatise the story into a 70's batman episode of BAM!!!!ZIP!!!!!KAPOWIE!!! in which a 15 second stint of me doing the swim over an unconscious felon is always on the cards daaaaa...nanna nanna nanna nanna nanna nanna nanna nanna.
but no fraid not. He went down and my turn came to give him a righteous verbal serving of my own. but alas a "How do you like me now bitch" was nowhere to be found not even a "stay in school" nothing I froze. his eye's began to glaze and that high pitched squeak of a voice was silent. Case closed, a job well done only there was something missing. Where was the satisfaction? where was the justification of my previous self? gone like Britney Spear's innocence. it was a strange and new sensation for me and in all honesty I felt about the same gratification as if I had just punted a midget square in the crutch... which after much soul searching still remains surprisingly appealing.
I attempted a shrug of the shoulders apologised to the girl in his car and left completely dumbfounded by the change of emotions.A mass pondering session with a few friends of mine led only to give the conclusion that this must be how Spiderman and co feel. often a session of Spiderman or Superman left me quite frustrated due to the fact that Peter Parker could totally kick the crap out of that asshole giving him lip, your fricken Spiderman you don't need to play that crap identity or not that guys gotta go down. slightly over dramatic I know.
Fast forward to the present, an ongoing current situation has brought me much frustration and to make a long story short I am required to do something that goes against everything I'm used to. but I cant help but Imagine that if I follow tradition things will get much much worse.
To get a little serious on yo ass sometimes I feel that maybe as you get older shit that seemed to be such a big deal once doesn't seem to matter to you as much anymore. I was and will always be a proud cocky prick but sometimes maybe you gotta just suck it up for the sake of someone else.
I guess this means I have to get rid of my cape
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
The Drop Bear
recently i have been promoted to position of designated wing man after a good Friend of mine split with his missus. so to get him back on the horse we've upped the anti to our nights out and over the past 4 - 5 weeks our residential drinking area has been located in a bar on the boardwalk of darling harbour called Cargo Bar nice place and if your in the area i suggest you check it out. However since this change of scenery i have come to grips with the fact that the majority of bars and clubs management have been taken over by a radical movement of lesbian feminist Nazi's who personally see to it that only boobs may enter their places of business. its a new world out there and girl power is the theme.
to be honest it sucks, it sucks the big one that a guy cant go out for a beer with his boys. I call for equal opportunities..I call for equal rights...I have a dream that one day all people may enter a bar as equals.
it seems to me that Boobs have become the permission slips of bars and clubs if you come without your boobs the bus leaves without you and you have to sit outside with all the other boobless schmucks and the crazy kid who always seems to be eating glue. in rare occasions a note from your boobs may allow you admission but its a long shot to say the least
DEAR Nazi Lesbians
our apologies for Martinez's absence of boobs. We ask that you please excuse Martinez of his boobs and even though he is boobless ask that you allow him permission on the excursion to drunk town. we apologise for our absence however we are unable to accompany him due to prior engagements but rest assured we are their in spirit and most certainly in Martinez's mind. lots of love .
signed Martinez's Boobs
on arriving at Cargo Bar it took all of 3 seconds to realise that we were not getting in on account of showing up with one too many Y chromosomes which kinda pissed me off a little but what can you do its a woman's world and I suppose they were right how dare we show up with only our members in our hands don't you know that your in spice world now, its girl power motherfucker.
in any case we struck a truce with two girls who were passing by to accompany us pass the Nazi's defences and into the bar and we would buy them any drink they wanted and they could be on their merry way they agreed and we entered. we got to the bar thanked them again and asked them what they would like
um I'm not sure what I'm in the mood for you decide
how about a vodka cruiser or something
um nah
martini???
no
beer???
uh uh
yager bomb???
oh I'm so sick of them
oh good God woman!
as you may have guessed these two were not the brightest sparks in the circuit so consequently this went on for sometime until we eventually got around to the drink of all drinks the drop bear
i have been marketing the drop bear for roughly a year now in the hope of building its cred though i have always been hesitant of introducing it to the female species for it is not the regular vodka and kisses girly tea party drink. not to be sexist but its an acquired taste mainly to drunken idiots who have lost their sense of taste and will to live.
the drop bear is the product of a joke between a group of Friends that i met whilst on a contiki tour around Europe when i was 21. with most contiki groups there were roughly 50 people mostly Australian and American, over the course of the tour one of the Australian's decided to follow tradition and convince one of the Americans about the existence of drop bears and hoop snakes and what not.
now the chosen target was a stoner which is kinda cheating i know but he was the kinda stoner that wanted people to think he was smart and knowledgeable with his expanded mind and outstanding groovyness, the mere thought of a un heard of species had his mind expanding like a hot air balloon it was beautiful. In all honesty though it wasn't entirely his fault the guy delivering the web of lies was surprisingly convincing and kept a straight face about it for two straight weeks it was impressive but even more impressive than that was the attention to detail. The sound they make, size and origin this guy was a pro and i tip my hat to you Anthony
The drop bear according to Anthonys dictionary:
Member of the koala bear family nearly extinct due to extensive culling in the early 1800's. Black and brown in colour with sharp teeth and long claws, almost three times the size of a koala bear. the drop bear gets its name from its tendencies to drop from trees onto its prey emitting a screeching sound similar to that of the Nazgul in the movie lord of the rings rumours emerged that Peter Jackson witnessed the terrifying sound first hand last time he came to Australia and imitated it for his movie.
by the end of the tour the joke had gotten way out of hand and on the very last night that we were all together we decided to ease his suffering and fill him in on the situation. he did not take it to well so in memory of this poor bastards stupidity we created a drink in his honour. The drop bear
ingredients
Fosters beer
The only Australian beer that can be found in Europe is fosters the shit is every where and the funny thing is most Australians hate the stuff but that's not the point
Bundaberg rum
The bundaberg rum mascot is a polar bear and on top of that in a popular Australian commercial the polar bear pretends to be a drop bear to scare hot Swedish girls into hanging with the polar bears human mates...yes the polar bear has human mates why? i don't know..I just dont know.
Directions
fill a glass three quarters to the top with fosters beer
fill a shot glass of bundaberg rum
drop the shot glass into the glass of fosters and down the drink in one hit
4 drop bears please to which the bartender looked at me blankly. after explaining the drink to him he looked at me oddly for a second and then made it happen. We downed the drinks and the girls were not impressed, why would they be, they just slammed down a glass of Australia's shitest beer with a deviate polar bears rum inside.
don't you wish you had taken the Vodka cruiser now
Sunday, April 22, 2007
I once new a man named Enis
I saw a guy fall down some steps yesterday HILARIOUS. its true, it happened and it was great, Truely amazingly random and an enjoyable experience for all (well except for the obvious). wasn't a huge staircase or anything just a 3 steps job. the initial slip, the tumble whilst still trying to remain balanced to the time he gave up and went limp for a perfect 0 points landing it was awesome and i cannot deny i laughed, i laughed pretty dam hard, to the point of tears and the loss of ability to walk in a normal and straight action even now as I'm writing about it i cant fight the smile back off my face. he had about 4 judges viewing the spectacle 1 of which disappeared for a giggle around the corner were as the other 2 decided to fight back the tears and aid his suffering whilst directing fake horrified faces at yours truly and the other guy for openly displaying that this mans big moment we had surely not missed.
"oh let the sun shine in" i understand the dude was down but i was just calmly walking to work when this kind soul decided to grace me with a ray of sunshine to start the day it would be somewhat ungrateful of me to just pretend that i saw nothing this was his time in the limelight his courage is to be rewarded with the joy of others besides its not like i stood right over his mangled corpse poking his open wounds with a pointy stick. if i were you i would enjoy it have a laugh share a point with me for next time it could be you and if you cannot find pleasure in the miss fortune of others how can you truly appreciate the attention you will receive when it happens to you
truth be told the guy was o.k a little embarrassed as to be expected got straight up as if nothing had happened. going in for a closer look at the spot he fell at and announcing his diagnosis as to why it happened is all part of the show. no body really cares my man it was just your time.
I have a theory
We need these things to survive. these little occurrences no matter how your feeling will always land a smile we have all witnessed these spectacles at least a couple of times in our life time a tumble here a walk into a pole there its gold, there is no joke no anecdote that even compares to the comedy that follows from a good old fashion trip in the head over the ass category. (at least not in my opinion, if you can look me in the eye and tell me you do not find it the slightest bit amusing then mister you are a better man then I) so in saying this maybe there is a little more to it lets look at what we know
people fall in and out of love everyday yes?? yes. we know of the adolescent angel with a heart on the end of his arrow that will target the very dairy air'ness of your life but yet we deny his existence because we have not seen him only the effects of his work but alas you have been fooled "that" is exactly what "they" wanted you to think just as i cannot see the wind i know that when a tree falls over it didn't just give up the ghost it was knocked over by an unexpected and unseen force.
i think it is safe to say that there are forces at work in this world other then what we can see or generalise as science and would be naive to think that cupid is alone is his quest.. just as love just happens so to do these little incidents so what can we conclude? i think its a rather obvious and terrifying reality.
there is another.... a whisper in the shadows, a low beam in the dark, a slippery point on an otherwise sturdy surface. only known as the destroyer of smooth first impressions he is a sworn enemy to those of the cool and suave nature Surprisingly the image of this seemingly mythological yet very real creature is as famous as it is cleverly disguised and what the FEDs don't want you to know is that a google search of the covert words" stop the pigeon" and a selection of the first link is actually the very same artists conception from an eye witness of the famous banana incident in 75 after the suspect was picked up in a bar outside Hanna Barbera airport the case was thrown out due to reasonable doubt.
he's out there people be afraid for one day you could find yourself slipping on nothing, being executed for treason or being hit in the crutch by a random object for no apparent reason what so ever.
"oh let the sun shine in" i understand the dude was down but i was just calmly walking to work when this kind soul decided to grace me with a ray of sunshine to start the day it would be somewhat ungrateful of me to just pretend that i saw nothing this was his time in the limelight his courage is to be rewarded with the joy of others besides its not like i stood right over his mangled corpse poking his open wounds with a pointy stick. if i were you i would enjoy it have a laugh share a point with me for next time it could be you and if you cannot find pleasure in the miss fortune of others how can you truly appreciate the attention you will receive when it happens to you
truth be told the guy was o.k a little embarrassed as to be expected got straight up as if nothing had happened. going in for a closer look at the spot he fell at and announcing his diagnosis as to why it happened is all part of the show. no body really cares my man it was just your time.
I have a theory
We need these things to survive. these little occurrences no matter how your feeling will always land a smile we have all witnessed these spectacles at least a couple of times in our life time a tumble here a walk into a pole there its gold, there is no joke no anecdote that even compares to the comedy that follows from a good old fashion trip in the head over the ass category. (at least not in my opinion, if you can look me in the eye and tell me you do not find it the slightest bit amusing then mister you are a better man then I) so in saying this maybe there is a little more to it lets look at what we know
people fall in and out of love everyday yes?? yes. we know of the adolescent angel with a heart on the end of his arrow that will target the very dairy air'ness of your life but yet we deny his existence because we have not seen him only the effects of his work but alas you have been fooled "that" is exactly what "they" wanted you to think just as i cannot see the wind i know that when a tree falls over it didn't just give up the ghost it was knocked over by an unexpected and unseen force.
i think it is safe to say that there are forces at work in this world other then what we can see or generalise as science and would be naive to think that cupid is alone is his quest.. just as love just happens so to do these little incidents so what can we conclude? i think its a rather obvious and terrifying reality.
there is another.... a whisper in the shadows, a low beam in the dark, a slippery point on an otherwise sturdy surface. only known as the destroyer of smooth first impressions he is a sworn enemy to those of the cool and suave nature Surprisingly the image of this seemingly mythological yet very real creature is as famous as it is cleverly disguised and what the FEDs don't want you to know is that a google search of the covert words" stop the pigeon" and a selection of the first link is actually the very same artists conception from an eye witness of the famous banana incident in 75 after the suspect was picked up in a bar outside Hanna Barbera airport the case was thrown out due to reasonable doubt.
he's out there people be afraid for one day you could find yourself slipping on nothing, being executed for treason or being hit in the crutch by a random object for no apparent reason what so ever.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Hillsong
I must say i am down with free speech, i believe it can give a voice to the people and serves the rights and opinions of the intelligent and those involved in any situation.....sniff......God bless America...tear. seriously though free speech I'm for it. however it also gives a voice to the stupid, the ignorant, the red necked, the racist, the sexist, the all round cockheads who's opinions and ideas are as warped as there sense of right and wrong from which they can spew all kinds of accusations and theory's without evidence or proof claiming them as fact all in the name of "i am a cockhead and i have free speech for my grand father fought in the war so that gives me the right to piss all over everything he fought for" yes sir it is a free country you do have free speech and make no mistake about it you are by all definition a cockhead.
over a series of recent events i found myself feeling the need to jump into the corner of one Hillsong church something which came as quite a shock to myself for prior to this moment on the topic of Hillsong i would not be inclined to give a flying fox one way or the other yet now here i am ringside holding the spit bucket on fight night. For those unfamiliar with Hillsong their a successful church group grown from 45 people to a now tens of thousands of people in Australia alone they have also expanded into Europe, Russia, Ukraine and England, and are a Beacon to the pentecostal christian community but along with there success has come speculation from pretty much all accounts of people even some of there own kind so to speak, assholes from all over the land unite as one to put shit on a church its inspiring just absolutely inspiring (just google it you'll see what i mean)
allow me to explain i stumbled upon a forum debate about Hillsong and whether it was or was not a cult. never heard it being called a cult before seemed unusual but i was interested a friend of mine had jumped on the Hillsong band wagon so any kinda insider information i could use against them was a plus. as i began to scroll down i received a mixed bag of laughter and anger at the sheer stupidity of some of the statements made. one i was particularly fond of was:
"its a cult man they just want your money"
to which the reply came
" oh really why do you say that"
to a response
"a friend of mine went there and reckoned that.......... "
ah sorry can i stop you there maybe its just me but i really don't see the creditability of a statement that kicks of with my Friend said. a Friend of yours said so, shit argument over i apologise for ever doubting you. so you weren't actually there, you haven't really heard or seen anything from the other sides story your only source of information comes from the supporters of your own cause and you believe your statement to be fair why??? and besides that i was unaware of the fact that wanting your money classifies something as a cult Mc Donalds wants your money, they a cult? pick an industry any industry....they want your money! hell when i was 10 i would jump for joy when my grandparents came around because they always funded my vision for toys and candy does that then make me the member of a seedy bunch of depressive freaks robed in long white jump suits hell bent on drinking the magic cool aid, according to a little bit of research Hillsong is worth 10's of millions and there on the up with there own sales of books, music and Cd's not to mention financial backing of multi million dollar company's such as Gloria Jeans so why the hell would they want your measly 10, 20 maybe 50 dollars unless they actually believed that it was a godly thing to do in their religion, think about it.
oh but they have a big expensive building and pay no tax? um I'm not an expert but i have been to Rome and seen the popes crib its not a cardboard box and Ive seen sum mosques around and i don't think they were done on a budget champ despite the fact they are a big church with a lot of people its, now a crime for a man to be smart about how he runs a church that's right a church and the law is that a church can operate without being taxed because of its relevance and input into the community whether it needs it or not. the whole debate was filled with I'll bet that... and I heard that... and I know you are but what am I... it was some seriously high grade intellectual stuff
as far as i can see in every religion Christian, Catholic, Muslim, Mormon whatever the only other goal besides your own eternal salvation is others eternal salvation and your gonna pull these people down because they are good at what they do and actually believe and act upon what they teach. have you seen some of the stuff they do they pull the big gun preachers from all over the world and market their music worldwide put on festivals and stuff for kids and whether you believe it or not give a truckload of cash to various charity's everywhere but the reality is, that is none of your dam business...tool.
who says you cant run a church like a business seems to me like its relatively the same principles you want it to grow and expand and make money so you can then build sister buildings to grow and expand and so on, the circle of life continues. who gives you the right to say it shouldn't be done you go to church on Easter and on Christmas and that makes you a saint and scholar in the matter. so what their making money, good for them do you get mad at coca cola for making money just because you don't like their product? I haven't seen any blogs or forums about that vile injustice all though with dickheads like you out there its always on the books.
so tell me how much money have you given to charity this year, if you didn't have to pay tax would you and if you had that kinda money would you even give half of what they do???....hmm.....well i guess that is your Que to shut the fuck up then! freedom of speech and all.
over a series of recent events i found myself feeling the need to jump into the corner of one Hillsong church something which came as quite a shock to myself for prior to this moment on the topic of Hillsong i would not be inclined to give a flying fox one way or the other yet now here i am ringside holding the spit bucket on fight night. For those unfamiliar with Hillsong their a successful church group grown from 45 people to a now tens of thousands of people in Australia alone they have also expanded into Europe, Russia, Ukraine and England, and are a Beacon to the pentecostal christian community but along with there success has come speculation from pretty much all accounts of people even some of there own kind so to speak, assholes from all over the land unite as one to put shit on a church its inspiring just absolutely inspiring (just google it you'll see what i mean)
allow me to explain i stumbled upon a forum debate about Hillsong and whether it was or was not a cult. never heard it being called a cult before seemed unusual but i was interested a friend of mine had jumped on the Hillsong band wagon so any kinda insider information i could use against them was a plus. as i began to scroll down i received a mixed bag of laughter and anger at the sheer stupidity of some of the statements made. one i was particularly fond of was:
"its a cult man they just want your money"
to which the reply came
" oh really why do you say that"
to a response
"a friend of mine went there and reckoned that.......... "
ah sorry can i stop you there maybe its just me but i really don't see the creditability of a statement that kicks of with my Friend said. a Friend of yours said so, shit argument over i apologise for ever doubting you. so you weren't actually there, you haven't really heard or seen anything from the other sides story your only source of information comes from the supporters of your own cause and you believe your statement to be fair why??? and besides that i was unaware of the fact that wanting your money classifies something as a cult Mc Donalds wants your money, they a cult? pick an industry any industry....they want your money! hell when i was 10 i would jump for joy when my grandparents came around because they always funded my vision for toys and candy does that then make me the member of a seedy bunch of depressive freaks robed in long white jump suits hell bent on drinking the magic cool aid, according to a little bit of research Hillsong is worth 10's of millions and there on the up with there own sales of books, music and Cd's not to mention financial backing of multi million dollar company's such as Gloria Jeans so why the hell would they want your measly 10, 20 maybe 50 dollars unless they actually believed that it was a godly thing to do in their religion, think about it.
oh but they have a big expensive building and pay no tax? um I'm not an expert but i have been to Rome and seen the popes crib its not a cardboard box and Ive seen sum mosques around and i don't think they were done on a budget champ despite the fact they are a big church with a lot of people its, now a crime for a man to be smart about how he runs a church that's right a church and the law is that a church can operate without being taxed because of its relevance and input into the community whether it needs it or not. the whole debate was filled with I'll bet that... and I heard that... and I know you are but what am I... it was some seriously high grade intellectual stuff
as far as i can see in every religion Christian, Catholic, Muslim, Mormon whatever the only other goal besides your own eternal salvation is others eternal salvation and your gonna pull these people down because they are good at what they do and actually believe and act upon what they teach. have you seen some of the stuff they do they pull the big gun preachers from all over the world and market their music worldwide put on festivals and stuff for kids and whether you believe it or not give a truckload of cash to various charity's everywhere but the reality is, that is none of your dam business...tool.
who says you cant run a church like a business seems to me like its relatively the same principles you want it to grow and expand and make money so you can then build sister buildings to grow and expand and so on, the circle of life continues. who gives you the right to say it shouldn't be done you go to church on Easter and on Christmas and that makes you a saint and scholar in the matter. so what their making money, good for them do you get mad at coca cola for making money just because you don't like their product? I haven't seen any blogs or forums about that vile injustice all though with dickheads like you out there its always on the books.
so tell me how much money have you given to charity this year, if you didn't have to pay tax would you and if you had that kinda money would you even give half of what they do???....hmm.....well i guess that is your Que to shut the fuck up then! freedom of speech and all.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
We Were 1
o.k so heres the thing, working in the city has its advantages the opportunity's, the scenery, the bars, the music its all good however being an outsider from....you know....out there beyond the borders! There is one little in convenience in the transitional period known only as the city rail experience. Don't get me wrong beats driving and in all fairness it could go either way good or bad its all a fricken lottery. You by your ticket every time and when it just doesn't happen for you, you curse the gods and all that is evil in this world only to stand right back in line the next day with the expectation that this time would be different.
i'll see if i can set the mood for you
I'm sitting there awaiting the string of events to come from that hour trip into the promised lands, at each stop awaiting the new occupants almost trying to will the train that little bit further down the station to benefit the whole train experience. Oh she's pretty, c'mon u can make it, little bit more, that's it, that's i.....arggh DAM IT or oh God no! please no, not the school kids, have you no mercy stop stop ssttooppp!! if you are familiar with the whole city rail expierence you may relate
By this point between the haunting sounds of school children cackling and screaming as 15 year olds do best and the fact that there is not one creature that even remotely resembles that of an attractive human being within eye sight. I decided you know what! I can deal with it! the music in my ears is kicking and i can shut my eyes and all will be well. Right, ha wrong not today for today I repay my debt to society and take one for the team, today the world says you know what Martinez Fuck you!
As I sat there staring out the window trying to make the best out of the situation I couldn't help but look as the train rolled up to the next station and suddenly this over whelming feeling of insecurity began to arise inside of me that in some way, some how something was about to go down. Fear got the best of me in that moment and i just couldn't bare to look. Eyes held shut I feel the seat shifting from the weight of someone or something sitting down, When suddenly it hit me, Like a slap in the face. This horrible, sick nay evil individual
stunk
Yeah that's right! stunk, I guess maybe your a little disappointed huh, probably expecting a man with no head or some nightmare on elm st kinda shit from the build up and maybe your right, maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing but you know what, you weren't there! you didn't have to endure it! you know not of the demonic presence that filled that carriage on that dreadful morning! so bite me and for the record id take a run at Mr Kruger or share a seat with a headless accountant over what this guy was representing any day of the week.
But more concerning then the smell is the mind numbing anomaly of how?? how at 7:00 in the morning could someone be in such a state of pure evil?? what could he have possibly done? How man, How?
Maybe he was on his way to the station when he bumped into a marathon runner in training in which a heated argument arouse with the runner pulling out his duelling glove and challenging him to a race to the top of death mountain and being a man of honour he had to except?
wow, must be a hell of runner...wait his shoes ain't scuffed at all, I bet he never even ran up death mountain, probably cant even run at all. I have half a mind to slap this mofo for posing as some kinda athlete, pphh thinks hes got the whole world fooled. Ha not me though, Im on to you.....PRICK!
wait!
Maybe he works at the cologne and deodorant store and figures why pay for the merchandise when he can just apply the cologne compliments of the house when he gets to work?
I cant believe this guy, what a tight ass I gotta suffer so he saves himself some money man that's just selfish and stealing as well what a thief,what a selfish tight ass smelly thief.......PRICK!
oh hang on!
There is water restrictions and deodorant can cause damage to the ozone, cant it? maybe hes trying to save the planet, that's decent of him, I mean not driving to work, low on the water usage and ozone friendly like an environmentalist or something......PRICK
To be honest I really don't know what I'm suppose to do in this situation. There is no training for this, they don't teach you this stuff in school, I mean I always carry some back up cologne in my suitcase but i cant just spray it on him without his consent, besides I'm 99% sure his powers are far superior to that of este lauder's for men.
Damn it man you have to try something! So I did. I did what any self respecting citizen would do, in a move of desperation i quickly jump forward into my suitcase and began to spray myself saying loud enough
geez I nearly forgot. a man's gotta take care of his mojo you know
as the guy gives me a forced smile and nod i return with a
this is good stuff though, here you should try some, the ladies will love you.
BOOYAH I'm in, i did it, i actually found away t........No thank you. DAM IT DAM DAM SON OF A BITCH DAM IT TO HELL. I sank in to my seat, Bitter, crushed and defeated! all that was left was stop breathing and welcome the sweet relief of the light at the end of the tunnel.
As I began to turn purple, I begin to notice the faces of those around me, devastated but with a hint of respect as if to say: you know what kid! you crashed and burned but you did your best and there is no shame in it. It was at that second I had but a brief moment of relief for i did not stand alone, these were my brethren my brothers and sisters in arms, it was us verses him and though we were crushed in battle, in the war victory is all but ours for we were only tortured and mutilated for that trip but he will smell till the end of his days and that's gotta count for something.
i'll see if i can set the mood for you
I'm sitting there awaiting the string of events to come from that hour trip into the promised lands, at each stop awaiting the new occupants almost trying to will the train that little bit further down the station to benefit the whole train experience. Oh she's pretty, c'mon u can make it, little bit more, that's it, that's i.....arggh DAM IT or oh God no! please no, not the school kids, have you no mercy stop stop ssttooppp!! if you are familiar with the whole city rail expierence you may relate
By this point between the haunting sounds of school children cackling and screaming as 15 year olds do best and the fact that there is not one creature that even remotely resembles that of an attractive human being within eye sight. I decided you know what! I can deal with it! the music in my ears is kicking and i can shut my eyes and all will be well. Right, ha wrong not today for today I repay my debt to society and take one for the team, today the world says you know what Martinez Fuck you!
As I sat there staring out the window trying to make the best out of the situation I couldn't help but look as the train rolled up to the next station and suddenly this over whelming feeling of insecurity began to arise inside of me that in some way, some how something was about to go down. Fear got the best of me in that moment and i just couldn't bare to look. Eyes held shut I feel the seat shifting from the weight of someone or something sitting down, When suddenly it hit me, Like a slap in the face. This horrible, sick nay evil individual
stunk
Yeah that's right! stunk, I guess maybe your a little disappointed huh, probably expecting a man with no head or some nightmare on elm st kinda shit from the build up and maybe your right, maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing but you know what, you weren't there! you didn't have to endure it! you know not of the demonic presence that filled that carriage on that dreadful morning! so bite me and for the record id take a run at Mr Kruger or share a seat with a headless accountant over what this guy was representing any day of the week.
But more concerning then the smell is the mind numbing anomaly of how?? how at 7:00 in the morning could someone be in such a state of pure evil?? what could he have possibly done? How man, How?
Maybe he was on his way to the station when he bumped into a marathon runner in training in which a heated argument arouse with the runner pulling out his duelling glove and challenging him to a race to the top of death mountain and being a man of honour he had to except?
wow, must be a hell of runner...wait his shoes ain't scuffed at all, I bet he never even ran up death mountain, probably cant even run at all. I have half a mind to slap this mofo for posing as some kinda athlete, pphh thinks hes got the whole world fooled. Ha not me though, Im on to you.....PRICK!
wait!
Maybe he works at the cologne and deodorant store and figures why pay for the merchandise when he can just apply the cologne compliments of the house when he gets to work?
I cant believe this guy, what a tight ass I gotta suffer so he saves himself some money man that's just selfish and stealing as well what a thief,what a selfish tight ass smelly thief.......PRICK!
oh hang on!
There is water restrictions and deodorant can cause damage to the ozone, cant it? maybe hes trying to save the planet, that's decent of him, I mean not driving to work, low on the water usage and ozone friendly like an environmentalist or something......PRICK
To be honest I really don't know what I'm suppose to do in this situation. There is no training for this, they don't teach you this stuff in school, I mean I always carry some back up cologne in my suitcase but i cant just spray it on him without his consent, besides I'm 99% sure his powers are far superior to that of este lauder's for men.
Damn it man you have to try something! So I did. I did what any self respecting citizen would do, in a move of desperation i quickly jump forward into my suitcase and began to spray myself saying loud enough
geez I nearly forgot. a man's gotta take care of his mojo you know
as the guy gives me a forced smile and nod i return with a
this is good stuff though, here you should try some, the ladies will love you.
BOOYAH I'm in, i did it, i actually found away t........No thank you. DAM IT DAM DAM SON OF A BITCH DAM IT TO HELL. I sank in to my seat, Bitter, crushed and defeated! all that was left was stop breathing and welcome the sweet relief of the light at the end of the tunnel.
As I began to turn purple, I begin to notice the faces of those around me, devastated but with a hint of respect as if to say: you know what kid! you crashed and burned but you did your best and there is no shame in it. It was at that second I had but a brief moment of relief for i did not stand alone, these were my brethren my brothers and sisters in arms, it was us verses him and though we were crushed in battle, in the war victory is all but ours for we were only tortured and mutilated for that trip but he will smell till the end of his days and that's gotta count for something.
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