It's where it's at!

Well, Its been a while and things have changed, quite substantially as a matter of fact.
Consequently in the heat of everything my Blog has been talking some serious shit about me to all his other Blog buddies.

”bitch bitch, moan moan", whatever. Turns out my blog is a bit of a girl and surprisingly sexist for that matter, for reasons that remain inconclusive. So, in light of my blogs apparent feelings of neglect and abuse, allegedly an explanation was in order.

I believe at some point I realised there is so much more to life then simply putting up with, ultimately un important shit from ultimately, un important people. Granted there were some, and they are few, that I retain the utmost respect and affection for, but to you I would ask just how much more was I suppose to take? In the grand scheme of things the whole operation simply wasn’t worth my time anymore and if you didn’t see that! then it is more than probable that you yourself are one of the many ignorant dickheads whom I’ve come to understand just might be the stupidest people to have ever lived.

Seriously, there should be laws to stop you from reproducing, I fear for your children!

In my weaker moments I can’t help but feel that maybe I was a little to trusting for my own good. To not only believe in the cause but believe in the people was clearly the basis of my downfall. It’s quite a harsh reality to face when you look back over the years and realise the time you have waisted, upon reflection the best I can do is bury my head in my hands that I could have been so naive.

About 10 months back I quit my job, it wasn't a big deal I didnt love the place nor did I scheme for its demise, to me working there was more of a stepping stone more than anything, a stone which served its purpose extremely well! or so I thought. A stepping stone as it were, but it aloud me to do certain extra curriculum activities, as the workload was kind of a joke. Actually it was kind of an in joke on account that the only people who knew, kept quite so the people who pay the bills continued to pay up.

so like I said as the pay checks came through, I was able to perform various tasks like, this Blog, Balance my check book, do my taxes, do the taxes of a small republican cotenant and raise a small Albanian boy in a giant bubble whilst all the while the workload is being completed, no one’s the wiser and everybody remains happy, exept for Guan, that boy was always sad.

Naturally when I decided to pull the plug after an impressive Job offer, all these things took a major hit, I lost time to write and had to focus on the new job at hand. Truth be told this has become quite difficult for me to handle. To me writing has just been something I did in between life, so to speak. Understand I love to write but I am very much aware of my talents in comparrison to an actual writer, and it pales, oh how it pales!

Either way between this blog and the Novel I've been trying to pump out, when the change in business structure came, I had to allocate times, sacrificing social events and numerous cock fights to allow time for a bit of pen to paper action for the first time in, well...ever.

You know I really wanted that rattle, I pushed, I conquered and I took that rattle as if its very creation was for no other purpose then thine, and now, I sit, motionless, grasping the oddly provocative shaped plastic, wondering just what it might be like if that kids oversized plastic keys were mine.

I've always been a sucker for the over dramatic, impulsiveness is kind of my thing. Ironically though, I purposely went against my instincts and chose the sensible smart alternative which in turn revealed itself to be in sink with pretty much every impulsive and reckless decision I have made up to this point.

I crunch numbers, it’s what I do. In little but not to much more detail, I justify the companies forecasts taking, adding and hiding the losses from every transaction in and out of the company, kind of a less dignified spin doctor for the monthly auditors.

But in that lies the problem

I have recently discovered I don’t like crunching numbers, in fact I would go as far to say, I hate crunching numbers and it has only just now dawned on me that the career ive created for myself is pretty much exactly that!

Frick!

So now 23 years to the day I am royally fucked! for any possible outcome that I can conceive leaves a person I care a great deal about, up the creek with no paddle, no canoe and no pants.

You see in the red corner we have weighing in at a quite substantial amount of money, Flex days, minimal stress levels and a sturdy living, selling out to the man, the FO.

And in the blue corner weighing at an incredible poverty rating, sniffing paint & following his dreams bar the consequences, he’s smart, he’s intelligent he’s sleeping in a cardboard box. The uni student.

Convenience is the real villain here, I know what I want! But like many people I have grown accustom to a certain standard of living, I like my caviar served out of a woman’s stiletto and so I fear the way of the student will be some what unable to cater for such a desire.

Despite the fact that I am no longer a 19 year old strapping buck anymore with a pocket full of dreams and an age to carry them out, there is also the fact that I know me, I know what happens when I get an Idea in my head, I shoot for it but when I get a newer Idea contradictive of the new idea (which has now become the old idea), the old Idea (formally the new idea) becomes obsolete and the newer idea (or newest idea) is thus forth the future as I know it. Long story short I cant help myself.

The windows of opportunity are getting smaller and smaller with every day. I’m not saying that there is no other alternative once you select your path, merely pointing out that nobody wants to be the guy who is a 70 year old office junior attempting to make a better life for himself, despite the fact its almost over.

So here is my dilemma, I purposely chose a sturdy career to build some stability, the future looks bland, safe but bland. I can travel, afford pretty things and know that I’m pretty set from this day forth, but there is a catch, at the risk of sounding ungrateful. I fear I may end up as some corporate zombie slaving away for the rest of my days in a job I strongly dislike. I told myself that I can suck it up from 9:00 to 5:00 for 5 days if it meant healthy rewards but as it turns out, yeah I don’t know if I wanna do that.

To make a confusing matter worse, I took this analogy to the higher powers at my work, stating I wish to go back to college and study more to which they intervened that they would pay for me to return to Uni, part time in the field of their choosing.

If ever I was handed a poison apple, that was it. It’s my fault really, I left the part out where I wished to study in a more abrupt field such as journalism or history, something away from the mind numbing, I wanna shoot you and everyone you care about spreadsheets.

So the choice has been handed down, time is running short and I have no idea what I’m gonna do and any attempt at seeking outside advice has been met with the same reaction.

“oh poor me, I got a stable job and a stable life, can’t a guy catch a break”

Which gets a little frustrating after a while, I suppose I want to believe that some people aren’t made for stable, that some are made for phenomenal and as long as phenomenal is around stable ain’t never going to cut it, although that is the very heights of my optimism I none the less hope and maybe in a way hope against its truth.

I am well aware that In the eye of the beholder it may not be the worst of problems to have but it’s still a pretty big deal for me right now.

So there it is.

Stay or Leave?

Confucius say: you are Fucked!