There are a few traditions in my circle of friends, last to be blind pays for the taxi, all new members are to be taunted and ridiculed with out compassion, sexual or racial consent for two weeks and of course NO tag backs off a double play at anytime EVER!!!
But no greater commandment given unto us than thou shalt not mingle with thine other gender on thow Thursday night... for Thursday was poker night. Beer, cigars, gambling, boob talk the whole kitten kaboodle at least for the guys that is. We have never really known what the girls get up to, we can only assume the obvious that their nights consist of intense political and sociological tea party's and high action pillow fighting in there underwear. Although we have no evidence of this all signs of common sense and relative thinking point to no other possible conclusion.
Whatever the case come Thursday we split, all contacts with the opposite sex are to be crushed up , mixed with a combination of fruit, yogurt, milk and ice cream, Blended into a delicious tropical smoothie and disposed of accordingly! no buts, thems the rules
Now these nights are held in random locations thus to prevent any assault from the enemy, kind of a default setting to the protection of our rights as men. Each of us sworn to secrecy under penalty of kitchen wench detail, one night in particular was held at kev's house, now we normally kick of at 9:00 so as 9:15 rolled along and the chips and cards had not been dealt some of the guys seemed to be getting a little rowdy I on the other hand was not really paying attention for I have spent the better half of our guy nights trying to seduce Kev into at least experimenting with cigars. The guy’s a former athlete so he's all your body is a temple and quite stubborn in the matter I might add and so over the time that I’ve known him its become a personnel goal for some of us to save Kev from being such a bitch.
So as I was subtly Suggesting to Kev that perhaps he might feel a little more comfortable at the girls softcore tea party nights the phone rang to which Kev answered but not before subtly back handing me upside the back of the head. So who was that? to which he answered "the wife". Silence struck the room with all the cautiousness of a marching band. w..w..why would she be calling? a question to which the answer I must admit I knew, I think in a way we all knew. I think all men know when the moment make itself known.
Kev turned his head and struck a pose in a true days of our lives fashion, one eyebrow cocked. "because their coming!"… camera zooms in on his face! then zooms out from a close up of us! then zooms back in on Kevs face and holds for about three seconds to long, annnnd cut! end scene, go to commercial.
us
but....but its Thursday and the rules! what about the rules man, did you even think about the rules! I don’t think your thinking about the rules!
kev
I know about the rules o.k, I was there when they were forged.
us
This cannot happen
kev
well you do something then, I ain't sleeping on the couch tonight
me
Bitch, smoke the dam cigar!!
I am no coward but there was wisdom in his words, for we all knew the repercussions of standing in between these girls and there intentions. As strong a man as you may think you are, you do not want to unleash this upon your world! no sir these girls do not play by the general rules of engagement hair pulling, slapping, biting, scratching are all part of the repertoire, they may look pretty and petite but make no mistake there will be no hesitation as to removing your head from your shoulders
As the numerous theories and ideas of how to stop this from happening were being forwarded the sound of cars pulling up had the same impact as that of gun shots and with giggles and screams burst through the door to find us stunned like squirrels in the high beam hypnotised by the beauty yet slightly aware of the events to come, however it didn't stop us from attempting to act casual and play it cool.
me
hey yah guys fancy seeing you here?
Angela
oh I know we just decided it might be fun to play poker with you guys tonight
me
oh yeah that would be fun wouldn't it guys mmhhmm but you see we don't have enough chips and we'd be here all night with this many people, its a shame its a.. a dam shame.
Angela
What’s the matter baby gotta be home to mommy before bedtime or you just to scared to lose to girls.
me
yes mummy will be very upset but its Thursday and we have rules, all of us do and who are we to break them. It…it just wouldn't be lawful besides its poker
Angela
what the hell are you babbling about? I know the rules, wait what do you mean its poker are you trying to say woman are.....blah blah blah........you jerk ......blah blah.......sexist pig....Blah.... i can be twice the man you are......Blah......why don't you go fu...
me
I'm out
and with that I retreated to the fridge to drink my stupidity away and think about what I'd done. all eyes shot to Kev he was not prepared and obviously disturbed by being in the whole situation.
Kev
Baby I love you but how would you like it if we invited ourselves to whatever you girls were doing on a Thursday. you wouldn't like it
Angela
of course we wouldn't mind kevin don't be ridiculous
evidently kicking down their door in our underwear, pillows blazing is now a perfectly acceptable practice knock.....knock.....knock hey girls we just decided it would be fun.
At the risk of boring you I wont continue to describe every conversation from that night but I Will say we yelled, we laughed and we cried, there was a cheeky leprechaun and Kev never tried the cigar.
Needless to say the girls got there way guys night was cancelled and we ended up going out instead. All in all it wasn't a bad night, it never really is. They never told us why they decided to reign upon our guys night and our manhood but I guess the lesson I learnt is guys care much more about guys night then girls care about girls night or girls care about guys night or girls care about basically anything we got going on.
Not sure why but I'm a male so I guess I'm not suppose to know. There were plans for revenge but by the next week we lacked motivation although due to increasing paranoia and the very possibility that it could happen again security has kicked up a notch. all poker nights are held in a cave behind a book case, down the poles in between the batmobile and the big ass t.v screen
Monday, June 25, 2007
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
the enviro what?
It isn't often that I leave a conversation feeling as if all occupants would have been better off had I just been smart enough to point to an obvious distraction and do the bunny, leaving the assailant and my dignity in a binding state of confusion and disbelief.
Just as Jesus said "be the bigger man, leg it for the greater good".
Lately in between work hours ive found myself enjoying the scenery of Hyde park followed by a stroll through Martin place. At the risk of sounding a little new age I somehow find it relaxing, not sensual or anything weird like that but as far as stress relief from earning another dollar for the man a stroll around the city always comes up trumps. That is, right up until you reach the Villa. aah the Villa, where would we be without you?
The Villa is what some of us like to call that little section in the middle of the main courtyard where every foundation known on God's green earth congregates together in order to trap unexpected prey into signing away whatever money can be scrounged up. On a good day there may only be 1 or 2 in which if your quick and avoid all forms of eye contact you may just make it to your lunch appointment. however on the big days its all systems go, booths lined up like the cavalry. Forcing patrons into an un avoidable bottle neck, herding us like sheep dogs into our gate to face certain guilt and time deprivation. There can be no escape.
After my scheduled hike through Sydney's best I hit the villa at a fairly hesitant pace, being on the brink of a long weekend the thought had crossed my mind of the danger ahead, however being somewhat of a lazy nature I decided against the detour and headed straight for it. MISTAKE. I was immediately drawn to the error of my ways as I followed the crowd into the red zone to find the Villa in full flight. a terrified shriek "Oh Dear God No" from the left of the crowd sent us Turning back in desperation for an escape but it was to late, the damage was done, we never had a chance.
Maneuvering my way in and out of the civilian traffic I found myself completely surrounded with no where to hide. To the left Drug awareness for kids. To the right, Kids off the street. Behind me, aids off the kids and Up ahead, Helping Aids of the streets through cancer, drugs and other Kid related practices.
Now joined by what was left of the panic stricken crowd, common courtesy and street etiquette went flying out the window. Charlie had the drop on us and it was every man, woman and child for themselves. Side stepping my way through the chaos, a faint sign of light began to appear to the rear of the pack. Darting directly for it, I was stopped in my tracks by a seemingly familiar voice.
"Oh hey man"
Naturally I stopped to greet who I could only presume to be a long lost relative or childhood friend with whom contact was at some point lost in the translation. So I turned only to see a man in which I had absolutely no recollection of standing tall in a green sports shirt holding a clipboard in one hand and my gullibility in the other. Oh you sneaky son of a bitch. got me with the old meet and greet, bastard.
"you got a couple of minutes to talk about the environment"
"well actually man I gotta take off i have to..."
"you know us humans have really done a number on this earth"
"yeah your right were all assholes, look I'm real sorry but i have to..."
"did you know that...
The next 10 mins consisted of an un interuptable speech on global warming, pollution, the weather changes and all sorts of fun facts about how the environment is gonna hand our asses to us. To which I smiled and nodded away, filling in the occasional "really" and "oh thats crazy".
"so you see if we don't stop it now were gonna lose this earth man"
"We??... as in you and me??"
"yes us man we can all do our part you do your part so we can do ours"
"uh huh and my part would be...?"
"just donate whatever you can or sign up for weekly payments so we can save this world"
"fair enough, but I'm not really big on signing contracts on the street and to be honest um I'm not real sure about the whole, you know how this should concern uh me.."
"what!? dude in say the next 100 years the ozone layer could be completely gone if we don't stop this"
"But wont I be dead by then"
"well I guess"
"so isn't that like my great grand kids problem"
He stopped and stared right at me almost paralyzed with disgust. Eyes burning with passionate anger. I was kinda surprised that he didn't take a shot at me with his clipboard from the look on his face. I mean he was pissed
"you know what its cause of jerks like you that we are all in this mess. go on piss off and wait for the storm then we'll see, then what are you gonna do."
"sorry dude I just don't think that..."
"Yeah I know what you think. you think that putting your can in the recycling is your contribution! well good on you! thanks for the aluminium now the rest of us are trying to keep this earth going"
"but.."
" just get lost I have no time for people like you. Go! do nothing! and hope we fix the problem. then you'll see"
I began to back peddle away slowly, feeling a little embarrassed about being served by Green peace. Now that man right there, he really loves his earth, how harsh was that.
He did however get me thinking, eventually somethings gotta give right? at some point the universe is gonna get fed up with our shit and retaliate and there can be no doubt that when mother nature and father time finally do have it out in the ultimate free for all cage match, the battle will be nothing short of spectacular.
I can only imagine the intensity as mother nature leaps from the top cage onto a seemingly un conscious big daddy time for the clincher only to find the patented and all but expected switch involving a sudden, super human burst of energy and the likes of a folding chair sending mother nature out of the cage and into the waiting glove of a hope filled youngster... going going gone...and she is outer here. Unfortunately good old father time is crippled with age by shear definition and suffers a stroke from all the excitement. fancy that, nobody wins...we all lose.
Be that as it may I still find myself reluctant to give a shit. Its not like I don't wanna care, I just don't and the very idea that I was not concerned about a situation as big as this left me in quite an uncomfortable mind set, I was actually a little disappointed in myself, is that even possible, apparently so, Dam Villa.
I guess from my perspective I just can't. Aside from living in the present where technology and ignorance run rampid, honestly for all that Hippies work on the street it isn't doing anything other than what is already being done. We have had the technology to use ulterior fuels for sometime but have been kept at bay by greedy oil companies and as far as I know Australia signed that Minimum pollution agreement last year so what do you want from little old me? The ozone isn't gonna repair itself and even if we could stop all pollution who would want to? O.k kids, big news! your mother and I have decided to move into a cave, ride horses to work (that one actually doesn't seem so bad), use no chemicals and live of our own kill? a beautiful dream but I have a feeling people like being comfortable and would sooner make sweet sweet love to the very clouds of pollution destroying our atmosphere than spend another day without Transportation, beauty products and TiVo.
However say there is an answer. Say there is something we have missed, the answer to our environmental issues who's to say our good friends in North Korea wont get ansi and send a nuke our way, who is gonna think twice about the environment then? you?? I think not, the only thing on your mind will be payback school boy style and you know it. there is a lot of big boys with a lot of big toys out there, I think us humans are perfectly capable of destroying our earth without any help from nature thank you very much.
This message of hope was brought to you by the letter L
In the end whether the environment decides to kick some ass or we end up blowing the hell out of each other there really isn't much say I have in the matter so why am I such a jerk for not caring? especially seems I probably wont be around to see it or will be to old to care about it any more than I already do. So Ke Sara Sara my seal cleaning friend, go have yourself a coke and a smile.
If it makes you feel any better I will spare a thought for the crying Indian but as far as my care factor level goes, sorry champ I'm all about the now.
Just as Jesus said "be the bigger man, leg it for the greater good".
Lately in between work hours ive found myself enjoying the scenery of Hyde park followed by a stroll through Martin place. At the risk of sounding a little new age I somehow find it relaxing, not sensual or anything weird like that but as far as stress relief from earning another dollar for the man a stroll around the city always comes up trumps. That is, right up until you reach the Villa. aah the Villa, where would we be without you?
The Villa is what some of us like to call that little section in the middle of the main courtyard where every foundation known on God's green earth congregates together in order to trap unexpected prey into signing away whatever money can be scrounged up. On a good day there may only be 1 or 2 in which if your quick and avoid all forms of eye contact you may just make it to your lunch appointment. however on the big days its all systems go, booths lined up like the cavalry. Forcing patrons into an un avoidable bottle neck, herding us like sheep dogs into our gate to face certain guilt and time deprivation. There can be no escape.
After my scheduled hike through Sydney's best I hit the villa at a fairly hesitant pace, being on the brink of a long weekend the thought had crossed my mind of the danger ahead, however being somewhat of a lazy nature I decided against the detour and headed straight for it. MISTAKE. I was immediately drawn to the error of my ways as I followed the crowd into the red zone to find the Villa in full flight. a terrified shriek "Oh Dear God No" from the left of the crowd sent us Turning back in desperation for an escape but it was to late, the damage was done, we never had a chance.
Maneuvering my way in and out of the civilian traffic I found myself completely surrounded with no where to hide. To the left Drug awareness for kids. To the right, Kids off the street. Behind me, aids off the kids and Up ahead, Helping Aids of the streets through cancer, drugs and other Kid related practices.
Now joined by what was left of the panic stricken crowd, common courtesy and street etiquette went flying out the window. Charlie had the drop on us and it was every man, woman and child for themselves. Side stepping my way through the chaos, a faint sign of light began to appear to the rear of the pack. Darting directly for it, I was stopped in my tracks by a seemingly familiar voice.
"Oh hey man"
Naturally I stopped to greet who I could only presume to be a long lost relative or childhood friend with whom contact was at some point lost in the translation. So I turned only to see a man in which I had absolutely no recollection of standing tall in a green sports shirt holding a clipboard in one hand and my gullibility in the other. Oh you sneaky son of a bitch. got me with the old meet and greet, bastard.
"you got a couple of minutes to talk about the environment"
"well actually man I gotta take off i have to..."
"you know us humans have really done a number on this earth"
"yeah your right were all assholes, look I'm real sorry but i have to..."
"did you know that...
The next 10 mins consisted of an un interuptable speech on global warming, pollution, the weather changes and all sorts of fun facts about how the environment is gonna hand our asses to us. To which I smiled and nodded away, filling in the occasional "really" and "oh thats crazy".
"so you see if we don't stop it now were gonna lose this earth man"
"We??... as in you and me??"
"yes us man we can all do our part you do your part so we can do ours"
"uh huh and my part would be...?"
"just donate whatever you can or sign up for weekly payments so we can save this world"
"fair enough, but I'm not really big on signing contracts on the street and to be honest um I'm not real sure about the whole, you know how this should concern uh me.."
"what!? dude in say the next 100 years the ozone layer could be completely gone if we don't stop this"
"But wont I be dead by then"
"well I guess"
"so isn't that like my great grand kids problem"
He stopped and stared right at me almost paralyzed with disgust. Eyes burning with passionate anger. I was kinda surprised that he didn't take a shot at me with his clipboard from the look on his face. I mean he was pissed
"you know what its cause of jerks like you that we are all in this mess. go on piss off and wait for the storm then we'll see, then what are you gonna do."
"sorry dude I just don't think that..."
"Yeah I know what you think. you think that putting your can in the recycling is your contribution! well good on you! thanks for the aluminium now the rest of us are trying to keep this earth going"
"but.."
" just get lost I have no time for people like you. Go! do nothing! and hope we fix the problem. then you'll see"
I began to back peddle away slowly, feeling a little embarrassed about being served by Green peace. Now that man right there, he really loves his earth, how harsh was that.
He did however get me thinking, eventually somethings gotta give right? at some point the universe is gonna get fed up with our shit and retaliate and there can be no doubt that when mother nature and father time finally do have it out in the ultimate free for all cage match, the battle will be nothing short of spectacular.
I can only imagine the intensity as mother nature leaps from the top cage onto a seemingly un conscious big daddy time for the clincher only to find the patented and all but expected switch involving a sudden, super human burst of energy and the likes of a folding chair sending mother nature out of the cage and into the waiting glove of a hope filled youngster... going going gone...and she is outer here. Unfortunately good old father time is crippled with age by shear definition and suffers a stroke from all the excitement. fancy that, nobody wins...we all lose.
Be that as it may I still find myself reluctant to give a shit. Its not like I don't wanna care, I just don't and the very idea that I was not concerned about a situation as big as this left me in quite an uncomfortable mind set, I was actually a little disappointed in myself, is that even possible, apparently so, Dam Villa.
I guess from my perspective I just can't. Aside from living in the present where technology and ignorance run rampid, honestly for all that Hippies work on the street it isn't doing anything other than what is already being done. We have had the technology to use ulterior fuels for sometime but have been kept at bay by greedy oil companies and as far as I know Australia signed that Minimum pollution agreement last year so what do you want from little old me? The ozone isn't gonna repair itself and even if we could stop all pollution who would want to? O.k kids, big news! your mother and I have decided to move into a cave, ride horses to work (that one actually doesn't seem so bad), use no chemicals and live of our own kill? a beautiful dream but I have a feeling people like being comfortable and would sooner make sweet sweet love to the very clouds of pollution destroying our atmosphere than spend another day without Transportation, beauty products and TiVo.
However say there is an answer. Say there is something we have missed, the answer to our environmental issues who's to say our good friends in North Korea wont get ansi and send a nuke our way, who is gonna think twice about the environment then? you?? I think not, the only thing on your mind will be payback school boy style and you know it. there is a lot of big boys with a lot of big toys out there, I think us humans are perfectly capable of destroying our earth without any help from nature thank you very much.
This message of hope was brought to you by the letter L
In the end whether the environment decides to kick some ass or we end up blowing the hell out of each other there really isn't much say I have in the matter so why am I such a jerk for not caring? especially seems I probably wont be around to see it or will be to old to care about it any more than I already do. So Ke Sara Sara my seal cleaning friend, go have yourself a coke and a smile.
If it makes you feel any better I will spare a thought for the crying Indian but as far as my care factor level goes, sorry champ I'm all about the now.
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